January Horoscopes


You want to know what kind of month January is going to be for you? Read your horoscope, ya dope!  (Thanks, Robyn Gritz)

January Horoscopes

By LG Brandon

We kick off 2022 with a Capricorn new moon, both Venus and Mercury are in retrograde this month, and the sun enters Aquarius on January 19. Or whatever…

ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 19) You will become sick and tired around the 1st. Go get tested, it may be the dreaded hangover or the flu, ya dope.

TAURUS (APRIL 20 – MAY 20) Broaden your perspective any way you can, through travel, learning, and more. Take a class on using fire extinguishers with a focus on chemical fires. Just saying, it might come in handy around the 15th.

GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 20) 2022 is the year that you finally find a community that supports your values. You will finally move to a residence that isn't an apartment. Make friends and don't drop the soap! Allow the process to take whatever time it needs.

CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 22) Don't forget that these times bring exes back from the dead, but don't allow yourself to be pulled back into any toxic situations. Also, you will find yourself driving a large automobile, do what you see fit.

LEO (JULY 23 – AUGUST 22) Now that you don't have that squirrel, you are talked into adopting a dog named killer, but referred to as death dog. Don't judge a book by its cover. But don't be stupid either. Let's us all know how it goes!


The stars align for your prosperity on the 4th. Just in time to pay a retainer for a good lawyer. Spend the money, you need a top attorney. You definitely don't want to end up like Pisces.


Clean out the jet system in your bathtub or hot tub. But keep your distance while the cleaner and continuous water forces out that baby rattlesnake. Calling a professional might help you out in this area.


This month takes you on a date with destiny as the North Node enters your sign on January 18. Make *^%# happen that day or you've missed out on that one big chance, ya moron.


Hopefully you were productive last month. Like the stars told you, January, specifically from the 9th and on, you will find yourself in a situation usually reserved for contestants on the show Survivor. The grubs and roasted crickets aren't that bad. Being a fugitive from justice may sound sexy in the movies, but in real life the food sucks.


You have spent the last two years diligently building up your savings and getting clear on your goals, because you're one of those people who wear a mask in your car when you are alone and everyone laughs at you, so it was easy. Now go out… oh wait…Omicron! Back in, back in…


Sun illuminates your professional sector. You're fired up and ready to go! However, keep in mind that "the thing" you did at the Christmas party royally damaged your reputation. Keep your excitement under wraps until February. Janet in finance will do something that majorly overshadows your mess.


January might not be the strongest of months for you, but it does provide the appropriate terrain for some deep self-reflection. Reflect deeply on how you can improve crafting a shank and keistering weapons for that inevitable yard attack around the 16th. Don't try to show anyone you are the "boss". There's always some one tougher. Eventually someone would just stab you.

People in conversation:
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  • This commment is unpublished.
    Hunter · 1 years ago
    Absolutely Hilarious
  • This commment is unpublished.
    capture · 1 years ago
    I know the "dog" thing won't happen. LOL.

  • This commment is unpublished.
    Peggy · 1 years ago
    This was fun and funny. Good job Robyn and Franz!
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